


Remembrance

by Hellokaelyn



Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Memories, Sort of AU?, talk of miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2018-11-05
Packaged: 2019-08-19 03:33:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16526543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hellokaelyn/pseuds/Hellokaelyn
Summary: A case brings back painful memories.“We do not 'get over' a death. We learn to carry the grief and integrate the loss in our lives. In our hearts, we carry those who have died. We grieve and we love. We remember.” - Nathalie Himmelrich





	Remembrance

When Nick walked into the house where their crime scene was, he didn’t expect this case to be any different then any other.

He should have known something would be different when he found himself staring at the body of Petty Officer Jane Brooks way longer then he should have, only to look away when a worried Ellie nudged him lightly with her elbow when Gibbs’ back was turned. Instead of making a joke like he normally would, he only shook his head. Nick knew it didn’t help her worry at all but right now he couldn’t bring himself to care.

His eyes kept going back to the body at the bottom of the steps. 

Nick rubbed his eyes when no one was looking. 

There was no time to think about  _ that _ .

* * *

Gibbs pushed the button on the elevator harder than necessary on his way back to the bullpen from autopsy. 

Knowing he was by himself, Gibbs let out a sigh and rubbed a hand down his face as Palmer’s words repeated in his head.

_ “Petty Officer Brooks was pregnant, Gibbs. Whoever pushed her down the stairs caused her to miscarry, the baby died before they delivered the finale blow.” _

He had thanked Palmer but sped to the elevator as fast as he could.

Torres’ face flashed in his mind making him clench his jaw. 

Gibbs huffed in impatience when the elevator stopped a floor down from the bullpen for someone to get on. Until the doors opened and it was Torres standing there. Just the person Gibbs was looking for.

“Hey Gibbs, find anything out from Jimmy?”

He said nothing as he hit the emergency stop button the second the doors slid shut. Torres eyed him warily. 

“Uh...what’s up?”

Gibbs turned to look at him, right away noticing Torres’ already tired expression even though the day had just started. 

“Nick.”

Torres suddenly looked nervous. Gibbs knew why, he only used their first names when he was joking (which wasn’t often and hardly  _ looked _ like he was joking) or when it came to personal matters. 

Gibbs only wished he was about to joke.

“Uh oh..first name..I don’t remember doing anything wrong so-”

“Petty Officer Brooks had a miscarriage from the fall.” Gibbs said, no hesitation. He found it was always better to rip off the bandaid.

Torres’ face showed a flash of sadness and pain before his expression turned to stone, showing no emotion. 

“That’s terrible, do you uh think she knew?”

“It was still early, there’s a chance she didn’t.” Gibbs watched his face closely, the mask still in place though his eyes gave away everything. “Nick, you don’t have to work this case.”

“Gibbs..” Torres jaw clenched. “You need all the help you can get-”

“McGee, Bishop and I can handle it. If you think you can work this case with no problem then do it, but I can already tell your head isn’t on this case and it needs to be if you stay.” 

Torres looked deep in thought for a moment, and Gibbs was certain he would stay to work the case. 

He barely managed to hide his shock when the words left Torres’ mouth.

“I...I don’t think I can work this case.” 

Gibbs nodded. “Go home, take some time. Come back whenever you have a clear head.”

* * *

Nick didn’t look at Tim or Ellie when they got off the elevator and he walked to his desk to grab his stuff.

“Nick?”  Ellie asked, exchanging looks with Tim. 

“What’s going on?” Tim asked, both their tones worried by their stone faced coworker grabbing his bag. “We got a lead?”

“No.” Gibbs said, giving both of them a look to drop it.

Nick still didn’t look at them as he walked past them to the elevator. 

“Gibbs…” Ellie spun around to face him the moment the elevator doors shut. 

“Torres is going home, he’s no longer working the case.” 

“Is he okay?” Ellie asked, worry written all over her face that she didn’t even try to hide. 

“He’ll be fine.” Gibbs said. “Keep working.”

Both Ellie and Tim shared another look, while Gibbs was good at hiding things...they both could tell Gibbs wasn’t so sure. 

* * *

Nick let his bag slip off his shoulder the second he got through his door. He stood there, staring blankly at his apartment.

_ “Petty Officer Brooks had a miscarriage from the fall.” _

He went into his kitchen after taking off his jacket, his hands shaking as he filled up a glass with water.

_ “Petty Officer Brooks had a miscarriage from the fall.” _

His hands tightened around the glass.

_ “Petty Officer Brooks had a miscarriage from the fall.” _

He slammed the now empty glass onto the counter, causing it to crack. 

_ “Petty Officer Brooks had a miscarriage from the fall.” _

His closed fists banged against the counter, his breathing growing heavier.

_ “Petty Officer Brooks had a miscarriage from the fall.” _

Nick walked into the living room intending on turning on the TV to distract himself when his eyes caught a picture on one of his shelves. He walked over to it, picking it up.

A younger Nick smiled up at him, his arm wrapped around a pretty dark haired girl as two other teens were on either side of them also smiling happily. 

Nick threw it across the room, letting out a shuddering breath when it hit the opposite wall, the glass from the frame shattering. 

His eyes caught another picture on the shelf. A picture of him holding a newly born Amanda, he was smiling in the picture but Nick knew for a fact it was mostly for show. 

He barely registered throwing that one too.

_ “She’s beautiful.” Nick said, holding his newborn niece. _

_ “Isn’t she?” Lucia grinned tiredly, her finger reaching out to play with Amanda’s tiny hand.  _

_ “Where’s George?” Nick asked keeping his voice low as to not make the tiny human in his arms cry again.  _

_ “To get his fingers set.” Lucia’s eyes sparkled in amusement. Nick raised an eyebrow. “What? You try pushing something out of your-” _

_ Nick made a noise of disgust. “Disgusting.”  _

_ Lucia only chuckled but soon her eyes started drooping. _

_ His smile fell off his face the second he knew she was asleep. _

_ “Hi Amanda.” Nick whispered to his baby niece, letting her fist wrap around his finger in a surprisingly tight grip. “I’m sorry I’m not more happy that you’re here, this isn’t gonna be easy for me...but I’ll try for you, okay?” _

_ Amanda whimpered in his arms.  _

_ “I know.” Nick ran a finger across her fist. “I’m sorry...god I’m sorry..” _

_ Nick found himself repeating the words, knowing they weren’t actually meant for Amanda but not being able to stop himself from saying them.  _

Nick snapped out his memory only to find himself staring at more broken picture frames on the other side of the living room. He didn’t even remember throwing them. 

He ran a hand down his face roughly, only then noticing he had been crying. 

“Stop being so damn pathetic.” He mumbled to himself in frustration. “Grow the hell up.”

Nick regretted saying the words to himself the moment they left his mouth as another memory formed no matter how hard he tried to stop it.

_ “Come on, Sofia!” A teenage Nick said as he followed an angry Sofia into her bedroom. “It was one little party!” _

_ “Little party?” Sofia spun around to face him. “That ‘little party’ had the cops showing up! You need to grow the hell up!” _

_ “It’s not like I got caught-” _

_ “That’s not the point, Nick!”  _

_ “What’s the big deal?” Nick threw his hands up in frustration. “This isn’t the first time I didn’t show up to hang out like we planned to-” _

_ “I needed you today that’s why!” Sofia shouted, her eyes watering making his face and tone soften. _

_ “Needed me for what?” Nick asked confused. _

_ Sofia pointed to her desk instead of answering. Nick walked over to it slowly, as if there was a bomb waiting for him on it.  _

_ His eyes widened at the multiple empty boxes of pregnancy tests. _

_ “What…” Nick opened his mouth repeatedly but that was the only word he could make come out. He turned around to see her holding a box. He didn’t even think as he walked over to her to look inside.  _

_ Four pregnancy tests sat in the box. _

_ All positive.  _

_ “I’m pregnant.” Sofia’s voice cracked. “I wanted you here because I wanted you with me when I took them but you went to that stupid party and I needed to know, okay? I couldn’t wait-” A sob escaped her. “We screwed up.” _

_ Nick grabbed the box from her hands, carefully placing it on her bed before pulling her into his arms.  _

_ “We’ll get through this..” He whispered, his own eyes watering either from fear or something else he didn’t know.  _

_ “How...we’re only seventeen, Nick.” _

_ He didn’t have an answer for her. _

Nick didn’t even bother trying to wipe the tears from his face. 

Slowly he walked over to one of the broken picture frames to pick it up. Glass cut into him but he didn’t even care as he removed a small hidden picture from behind one of the others. 

He clutched the small picture in his hand as much as he could without ruining it as he walked over and placed it on the kitchen counter away from his now semi messy living room. He couldn’t ruin this one.

Nick took one glance at ultrasound picture before he felt himself break. 

* * *

_ "Wow.” Both he and Sofia said as they stared at the tiny image on the screen. It was barely anything to look at, but to them it was their baby. Though of course the doctor had to help show them where the baby exactly was first. _

_ “That’s our baby.” Sofia said softly, a tear falling that Nick didn’t hesitate to reach up and wipe away. _

_ “Yeah...it is..” Nick felt a smile on his face. _

_ The doctor then excused herself to give them a moment. _

_ “So we’re really doing this then?” Sofia asked. _

_ Nick nodded. “We’re...gonna be teenage parents.” _

_ Sofia let out a shuddering breath. “And the only one who knows is my mom still..” _

_ He cringed. “Not to mention everyone at school..” _

_ “Can we just...enjoy this moment a little longer?” _

_ “Of course.”  _

_ Nick held her hand tightly in his.  _

* * *

_ Nick sat in his room listening to the arguing going on downstairs.  _

_ What he wouldn’t give to climb out his window right now, but his parents were already pissed at him and disappearing would only make it worse. _

_ He reached for his phone about to call Sofia when his door creaked open. His body tensed thinking it was his mom but relaxed when Lucia appeared instead. _

_ “Hey.” She said softly, closing his door and coming to sit in front of him on the bed. _

_ “Come to tell me how stupid I am too?” He asked, his words filled with bitterness. _

_ Lucia sighed. “They don’t think you’re stupid, it was just a quick reaction, they’ll get over it.” _

_ Nick didn’t think so but kept the thought to himself. _

_ “I came here because I’m worried about you, Ma and Pa think I’m up here to ‘talk some sense’ into you but screw that.” _

_ His lips twitched upwards for a second. _

_ “Look Nick...I just want to tell you I’m here for you okay? And for Sofia.” _

_ “I’m...is it weird that I’m kind of excited even though I’m also scared?” _

_ Lucia grabbed his hand. “Sounds normal to me. You already love this baby, don’t you?” _

_ Nick said nothing as he reached into his bedside table, pulling out the ultrasound picture of the baby you could barely see. Lucia looked at the picture smiling.  _

_ “For a guy who tries to put up the whole tough guy jock act, I know you have a big heart Nick. It’s no surprise to me that you have so much love for this baby already.”  _

_ “But we’re still in school, we’re only seventeen I mean-” _

_ Lucia pulled him into a hug.  _

_ “It doesn’t make any sense...I’m not ready to be a dad, hell I can barely take care of myself most of the time, but even with it all-” _

_ “Even with it all, you still love it.” _

_ Nick nodded against her shoulder.  _

_ Lucia hugged him tighter. Her little brother had a bigger heart then she gave him credit for. _

* * *

_ "Hey Torres! How’s your baby mama doing!”  _

_ Nick clenched his fist at the laughter that followed.   _

_ It had only been a week after telling his parents, and it only took one person to somehow find out before it spread throughout the school like wildfire. Teasing comments were a common thing now.  _

_ “Don’t listen to him.” Nick’s friend Owen said as he leaned against the locker beside Nick’s. “I don’t know how you stay on the team with these jerk offs now.”  _

_ Nick shrugged. “Looks good for colleges, I guess.” If he even gets into any now. Or can even go in the first place. _

_ “Yeah but is it really worth it? Listening to their bullshit everyday in the locker room?” _

_ “Not all of us have the good grades to back us up, Owen.” Nick mumbled, shoving a textbook in his bag.  _

_ “I’ll tutor you!” Owen insisted. “I’ll help you raise your grades that way you can quit the team.” _

_ “Thanks but I think I’ll pass.” _

_ Owen sighed before his gaze went to something behind Nick. “Incoming, and she does not look happy.” _

_ Nick opened his mouth to ask who when he got his answer seconds later as Sofia slammed open her locker. _

_ “I hate this school.” Sofia spat out. “These girls act like I’m the slut for getting ‘knocked up’ yet their the ones sleeping through the freakin’ football team!”  _

_ Nick and Owen both took a step back at her anger.  _

_ “They been picking on Nick too!” Owen suddenly said after a moment of silence.  _

_ Nick shot him a look. _

_ “What! I didn’t know what to say!” Owen muttered to him. _

_ “They’re what?!” Sofia said loudly, slamming her locker shut with even more force then when she opened it. _

_ “It’s no big deal!” Nick quickly said. He really didn’t need her pregnant and going off on the jocks who were once his ‘friends’.  _

_ “I’ll tear their heads off.” Sofia mumbled to herself as she pushed past them. _

_ Nick and Owen stared wide eyed at each other. _

_ “Shit!” _

_ Both of them took off only to find her cursing up a storm at the first jocks she could find, Nick and Owen both having to pull her away. _

_ “God for being pregnant she’s damn strong.” Owen said with a groan. _

_ “Pregnant doesn’t mean weak, you moron!” _

_ “Okay okay!” Nick stepped between them. “Sofia, I know you’re pissed and your life is crappy right now but you need to take a step back and calm down, or at least calm down for the baby. And Owen...man you need to learn to keep your mouth shut.” _

_ Owen gave a sheepish look while Sofia huffed and pulled a chocolate bar out of her bag, immediately biting into it the second it was opened.  _

_ “What? Baby wants chocolate.” She snapped at them when they gave her a look. Owen gave her his ‘puppy dog’ look, making her roll her eyes and snap off half to give to him. _

* * *

_ “Sofia!” Nick called as he walked into her house. He couldn’t help the bit of worry he felt when she didn’t answer like she normally did.  _

_ He moved to living room where the stairs were only to stop short. _

_ Terror swept over him in seconds. _

_ “Sofia!”  _

_ Nick ran over to where she was at the bottom of the steps, panic joining the terror when he saw blood. _

_ He wasted no more time in calling an ambulance. _

_ “Sofia..” Nick whispered, trying to blink back his tears but to no effect. “Please wake up…please..”  _

* * *

_ “Sofia’s going to be fine.” Her mother told him in a comforting voice, but the words that were meant to comfort him did nothing as he noticed the strained look still on her face.  _

_ Nick’s fists clenched. “What aren’t you telling me.” _

_ “Nick honey…” _

_ “Just tell me!” He shouted, attracting attention but not caring in the slightest.  _

_ “Sofia...the fall made her miscarry-” _

_ Nick didn’t listen to another word as he shoved off her supposed to be comforting hands and took off down the hall. He didn’t stop until he reached an empty bathroom. _

_ Nick leaned against the bathroom wall letting himself slide to the floor. He pulled his knees up to his chest, buried his face in his hands, and cried. _

* * *

_ Hours later Nick was squeezed beside Sofia in her hospital bed, their arms around each other as they both cried.  _

* * *

_ Twenty-four hours later Sofia was on suicide watch and Nick was filled with so much anger at the world and himself he felt as if he would explode.  _

* * *

_ Another twenty-four hours later Nick sat in a police station cell with blood on his knuckles, a black eye, and the guy he got into a fight with yelling from another cell.  _

* * *

_ Nick stared down at the makeshift grave he and Sofia had made and placed in her backyard. According to their therapist, it was supposed to help them grieve and eventually move on.  _

_ Their baby was gone. _

_ How was he supposed to move on from that? _

_ Nick felt empty inside whenever he looked at the little grave. _

* * *

After the case was solved, finding out it was Petty Officer Brooks’ own sister who killed her, Ellie drove straight to Nick’s apartment. Thankfully Gibbs was enough to break the sister and so the case was wrapped up quick. 

Ellie raced to his apartment door, right away knocking on it.

“Nick? It’s me.” Ellie called through the door when he didn’t answer. Curious, she turned the doorknob, only to find the door unlocked.

Her heart raced as she slowly opened it. Nick would  _ never  _ leave his door unlocked.

“Nick?” She called once more after shutting and locking the door behind her. 

Ellie stopped short, her jaw dropping when she took in the mess. It looked as if someone had tossed his apartment.

She would have thought someone did if not for her eyes settling on the figure of Nick sitting against the wall practically tucked into himself. 

Ellie avoided the glass all over the floor the best she could while making her way to him. Her heart was beating so fast she thought it’d jump out of her chest. Thoughts were spinning in her head. Was he hurt? Did someone break in? What the _hell_ happened after he came home? 

After Nick had left, she had spent the time she wasn’t trying to focus on the case thinking about him. It didn’t take her long to figure out it was Jimmy finding out about the miscarriage that tipped the scales. 

It made her stomach turn and twist just thinking about it. 

“Nick?” She said softly when she reached him, sliding down the wall to sit next to him. 

Slowly, he lifted his head.

Ellie’s eyes watered just looking at him. His eyes were red and tired looking from crying, his cheeks still wet. 

“Ellie..” 

If she wasn’t right next to him she wouldn’t have heard him. His voice almost broke her heart. 

She had never heard Nick Torres sound so broken. 

“Tell me what I can do.” She said softly.

“Stay.” 

“Always.” 

* * *

Hours later Ellie had taken advantage of an exhausted passed out Nick that somehow was sleeping in his position on the floor. She used the time to clean up his living room the best she could, and when realizing he was completely out of it, cleaned up his hands that were covered in tiny cuts. 

When he finally woke up no longer looking so drawn and tired, Ellie was back to sitting on the floor next to him with a bottle of water ready.

“Here.” She told him, handing the bottle to him. Nick said nothing as he drank from it, the whole bottle gone in seconds.

“You’re still here.” Nick said, sounding surprised.

“Of course I am.” 

“And..” Nick raised an eyebrow as he took in his now clean living room. “Cleaned up.”

His gaze now landed on his hands. “Ellie...you really didn’t have to-”

“Nick.” She said giving him a stern look. “Shut up and let me help.”

His mouth twitched. “As the lady wishes.” 

“Talk to me.” She whispered. “I..I know it had to do with what Jimmy found during the autopsy.”

Nick flinched. Ellie swallowed wondering if she was doing the right thing as she picked up the ultrasound picture she found on the counter and grabbed. 

Ellie handed it to him, watching as Nick took it carefully as if it’d tear apart in his hands. It was precious to him.

She had her answer right there.

“When I was uh seventeen...Sofia and I were feeling the pressures of our high school, being in the popular crowd-” Nick cut off with a humorless laugh. “-Partying, drinking, sex...eventually we both decided we would just join in you know? Looking back now I know it was all so ridiculous but when you’re a teenager.” Nick’s jaw clenched. “We decided our first time would be with each other, we trusted one another and knew the other since we were kids so why not? But..”

Ellie grabbed his hand, giving it a squeeze for support. 

“Sofia found out she was pregnant..” Nick’s voice cracked. “School became hell with all our so called friends turning their backs except one or two. While her mom was supportive...my parents not so much, though I had Lucia. We were both terrified and not ready to be parents obviously, but we both came to love the baby quickly..”

Ellie leaned into him, feeling his body relax a little from its tense posture. Her mind was reeling from the information already.

“One day I went over to Sofia’s, I called out her name but she didn’t answer..I went to go upstairs but I uh-” Nick squeezed her hand, a little too tightly but she didn’t say a word. “Sofia was at the bottom of the stairs..”

“Just like Petty Officer Brooks..” Ellie said in almost a whisper. Nick nodded and swallowed roughly.

“She was knocked unconscious and there was blood..I never had been so terrified before. Her mom was the one who told me about..” Ellie reached up putting her hand on his cheek when she noticed his eyes drifting off into the memory. She needed him to stay here, with her. Nick gave her a small smile but it helped ease her stomach. “About Sofia miscarrying from the fall..”

“I’m so sorry.” She whispered. Nick said nothing, instead he wrapped an arm around her pulling her against him. Ellie couldn’t help but feel the sparks just like she did every time he touched her. 

“I took off and spent hours in the hospital bathroom crying, eventually Sofia and I tried comforting each other the best we could but there was only so much I could do for her.” Nick sighed. “Sofia felt so much guilt, that she tried killing herself.”

Ellie felt her eyes water. She couldn’t imagine going through it, let alone at seventeen. After everything Ellie had learned about Sofia from the cancer to now this, she could admire how strong Sofia was. 

“And me, well I was filled with so much anger at myself and the world that I did what I do best when angry.” Nick chuckled in a way that was more mocking himself then anything. 

“You fought someone.” Ellie stated, not asked. 

Nick nodded. “Ended up in a jail cell for hours until Lucia came and bailed me out. Sofia and I went to therapy after, and I honestly can’t say if it helped or if it was time itself but eventually the days got a little easier.” 

“But then Sofia got cancer..” Ellie whispered, her fingers now linked with his on the arm that was draped over her. 

“Yeah.” Nick breathed in deeply.

Ellie thought about Nick's reaction. "You never actually took the time to really grieve did you?" Nick said nothing, giving her the answer. That was something she knew Nick was good at. Burying his feelings. Obviously he had grieved a little, but Ellie figured he shoved it all away deep inside to not have to deal with it anymore.

“That would have been one lucky as hell kid.” Ellie eventually said, beating herself up a little for saying her grieving comment. 

Nick chuckled, a real one this time. “Hell yeah.” 

Ellie smiled, turning herself so she could lean against his chest. 

“Would you...want to have another baby?” Her voice so quiet she wasn’t even sure he had heard her.

“Yes.”

Her heart sped up as she lifted her head to stare at him, his eyes right on her. “Would you want one someday?”

Ellie bit her lip. “Yes.”

“Why didn’t you and Jake ever have kids?” Nick asked. 

Ellie sighed. “We were both so into our work I guess..honestly we only talked about kids a handful of times. It never seemed... _ right _ .”

They sat in silence after that for a few minutes, just enjoying the others presence. 

“Ellie.”

“Hmm?”

“Stay.”

Ellie smiled at the word knowing he was doing a lot more than asking her to just stay the night. 

“Always.”


End file.
